I apologise for the lack of blogging on this blog. There’s various reasons, I have been super busy with uni being the main one but I was also reluctant to write this down as I know a lot of people will find it hard to read.
I am on anti depressants. The Dr seems to have found the right ones for me, they SEEM to be working, I haven’t spent days crying, I manage to get out of bed every day and I am getting through the day without wanting to crawl into a den and never come out. BUT I still have my bad days, the tablets level me out, they don’t make me happy, they make me “normal”. Honestly, I haven’t felt TRUE happiness in a long time. I want to but I just can’t.
My mum thinks I am delaying getting help because I don’t want to get better. That’s not true, I really do but I am scared. Scared of getting worse. Scared of having to bring up memories that I have locked away in a box so they don’t hurt any more. Scared of letting things go that I am not ready to let go of yet. I desperately want to stop feeling so average. I want to feel a range of emotions not just flat or a deep seeded sadness. So mum (I know you are reading this) I am going to get help I just need encouragement and a bit of patience.
One of the other things I wanted to share (well, wanted to may be pushing it!) I now finally know why people self harm. I never really understood it before but this experience has changed that. Over Christmas, I had a BAD moment, I don’t really know what bought it on but it broke me. I sat in my room, in the dark, weeping. I felt so numb. Nothing could have penetrated that numbness. I started to run my finger nail across my wrist, absent minded at first. Totally unconscious of what I was doing. Until I pressed a little harder and I felt something. Something that reminded me I was human, something that broke the numbness, something that made me stop. Now, I am not saying I would ever self harm in the usual sense of the word; it has never got that bad. What I am saying is that it took me pressing my nail hard into my arm, so hard that I had red marks there for hours, and could still feel it the next day, for me to feel anything other than numbness. This just shows me how very easy it would be for someone without a support network like mine (my mum is my rock and can bring me back from the brink), someone who feels like they have nothing in their life but the numb feeling which depression leaves you with, how easy it would be for them to start hurting themselves.
I know what it feels like to be on the brink, to feel like you are about to fall into blackness and never come back. But do you know what…This experience has made me realise that I do not want to fall. I WANT to fight, I WANT to get better. I know it is a long road and I know that I have to expect relapses (yea that is a whole other blog…they suck!) but my word do I want to feel “normal” again!
If ANY of you are feeling like you are about to fall PLEASE talk to someone. Don’t let it get to the point where you need to do something drastic to feel something other than emptiness.