Monthly Archives: November 2014

One Day…

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I wasn’t sure it was possible for one person to cry so much!

I feel so pathetic today.  Mum just asked what I wanted to do on Christmas day…stay at home with the family or go somewhere else.  The thought of having to pretend to be ok at someone else’s house made me feel so nervous I burst into tears! That isn’t normal.

All I want is to feel normal. To not burst into tears at the tiniest thing, to not feel sick due to a Facebook update or a tweet, to sleep properly, to not cry when someone is nice to me. Is that too much to ask??

I wish there was a way that I could click my fingers and everything would be ok.  One day I know it will be.  One day I will get up in the morning and not have to find the energy to put on a smile and pretend that I am ok because I wont need to pretend any more.  Until that day I guess I just have to accept that there will be days when my mascara gets ruined, my heart hurts and my sleep pattern is just none existent!

I say this every post but I am so thankful for my amazing friends and family for getting me through the bad days. Your support means the world to me.

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What is going on?!

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My last post was a bit of a gamble.  I wasn’t sure how people would react; it kind of made me anxious just posting it but wow….I was so wrong to think that!

I have been overwhelmed by your support, your positive comments and honesty.  I am so pleased that by writing what I did, so many of you felt empowered to talk about your own battles.  That is all I wanted.

I have been called brave by so many people, honestly, I am not! I just wanted to set some things straight, get my story out there and I am so pleased I have done.

Since posting, a few things have happened.  The tablets I am on are MEANT to be working but I am not 100% sure they are.  I sometimes feel almost normal but a lot of the time I spend feeling down, emotional or just drained.  I am not really sleeping properly, I have the shakes from the medication and my ability to concentrate on anything is terrible, as is my memory.  I don’t know if this is the meds making me worse before I am better or if they are simply not the right ones for me but wow is it draining!  I went to see the Dr for a meds check and he seems to think I am doing better and wants to keep me on them for a few more months before assessing me again.  One positive, I cry less! When I first saw him I spent at least part of EVERY day in tears, sometimes for no reason.  Now, I can go a few days without shedding a tear.  I will admit that I have cried myself to sleep a good few times, had mini breakdowns over stupid things and burst into tears for no apparent reason but all in all, I am less teary!

I have had a “pre counselling assessment” by the university team and I spent the ENTIRE session in tears.  Even filling out the forms was too much.  I was shaking like a leaf and felt sick the whole time.  The lady I saw took 1 look at me and said, it is clear that you need counselling but we have to go through this session.  Then proceeded to tell me there was a 6 week wait and I should look elsewhere if possible… I sat in my car in tears, all I wanted was someone to wave a magic wand and make me feel normal.  I know I need to sort myself out and I know that talking to someone SHOULD help, or getting SOME sort of therapy should get me a little closer to feeling normal but I am not sure I can wait 6 weeks to even start this!

Uni wise, I have actually managed to get my assessments in on time! I can’t say how good they were (I had a breakdown half way through one of them) but they are in! I have an exam next week so am revising pretty hard but that is taking it out of me.  Early mornings and late nights make me worse. I REFUSE to let this ruin my course but it is a bloody tough fight!

Do you know what gets me through most days?  When I feel like giving up, spending my time in bed and just hiding away from the world?  You lot! There are some incredibly amazing people in my life and I am SO thankful for you all.

And just because I am fighting this battle does not mean I am not there for you guys! Don’t think you can’t talk to me about stuff because you bleeding well can!

Love you all xxx

My Fight

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I was going to wait until I had won this battle to tell my story but recent events have forced my hand.

 

I have recently been diagnosed with depression.  It has been a long overdue diagnosis.  Why do I say that?  Well, I have been showing signs of this horrible illness for years but have ignored them, or have had things in my life that acted as a plaster, holding off the darkness.

On the day I decided that I couldn’t ignore the signs for any longer, I booked a drs appointment and went to my 1st lecture of the day.  That happened to be a Mental Health lecture, focussing on Depression and its symptoms.  I sat listening in tears, mentally ticking off every single “common” sign.  It was at that point that I knew I had made the right decision and that I needed to see someone.

Luckily, I have SUPER supportive friends at uni who got me through the rest of the day and a tutor who was amazing and offered me all the help I could ask for.

As I sat in the doctors waiting room, I looked around, everyone there looked ill, I felt like an imposter.  I had nothing PHYSICALLY wrong, why was I wasting the doctor’s time? I began to cry again.  At that moment the Dr called my name.  I went through, sat down (I had stopped crying by this point).  He said “so, why are you here today?” and before I could get any words out of my mouth the tears started.  I was terrified. Scared that he would think I was being stupid, scared that he would think it was just “break up emotion” (I had recently gone through a break up) but he didn’t, he listened. He got me to fill out a questionnaire, asked if I had ever had suicidal thoughts (I hadn’t) and asked all the “right” questions.  His diagnosis…depression.  Full blown depression.  Not just a bad day, not just feeling sad but a chemical in-balance in my brain which was affecting my mood.  He sent me away with a prescription, information about local counselling sessions and another appointment a month later.

Since then, I have tried to live a “normal” life.  I have tried to keep it off twitter, there are a few people I have told and they have been supportive and amazing. On the days I HAVE mentioned things again, I have mainly received a positive, supportive reply.

Not everyone handles depression in the same way.  I personally only mention something when I am having a super bad day or when it affects my life in a way that is really rather annoying.  Yes, it probably is a moan but do you know what…if I had broken my leg, or had the flu and was moaning would you say anything? No I don’t think you would! Why then do people think it is OK to have a go when someone moans about a bad day? Why is it ok for them to suggest I don’t know what I am talking about and that taking to social media isn’t the way to deal with it?!  Do you know what….It bloody hurts!!!! I am battling this awful illness, one that affects me EVERY DAY, I don’t know if I am going to wake up and be ok, if the meds will work, if something TINY will send me into a downward spiral. I try not to let the bad days win but sometimes they do.  Sometimes all I want to do is spend the day in bed where no one can find me, no one can tell me to “try harder” no one can say “oh but you can’t feel like that because you are acting like x”. Most days I have to get up, crack on and just push those feelings aside.  I have good days and bad days like any “normal” person but it just so happens that the bad days knock me sideways.

I hope that anyone reading this now knows they are not alone. It is a horrible thing to fight, even worse when people think you are faking it. Do you know what?  Stuff em! Remove them from your life. Don’t allow them back because no one needs that shit!