One Day…

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I wasn’t sure it was possible for one person to cry so much!

I feel so pathetic today.  Mum just asked what I wanted to do on Christmas day…stay at home with the family or go somewhere else.  The thought of having to pretend to be ok at someone else’s house made me feel so nervous I burst into tears! That isn’t normal.

All I want is to feel normal. To not burst into tears at the tiniest thing, to not feel sick due to a Facebook update or a tweet, to sleep properly, to not cry when someone is nice to me. Is that too much to ask??

I wish there was a way that I could click my fingers and everything would be ok.  One day I know it will be.  One day I will get up in the morning and not have to find the energy to put on a smile and pretend that I am ok because I wont need to pretend any more.  Until that day I guess I just have to accept that there will be days when my mascara gets ruined, my heart hurts and my sleep pattern is just none existent!

I say this every post but I am so thankful for my amazing friends and family for getting me through the bad days. Your support means the world to me.

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One response »

  1. Hi Gemma, Aunty Nessa here. I know what you are going through, and you need to know that it does get better. Three things that have really helped me – God; Therapy; Medication.

    If you struggled for a long time before admitting you were ill, your brain will have forgotten how to react to the normal chemicals, it is now broken – just like a leg – and it needs help to get back to normal, by adding chemicals (bandages) to it for now. It might be for a long time, it might be for a short time, but get those meds, take those meds, and keep upping the level until you don’t feel unhappy. (You might not feel happy, you might just feel neutral, but that is a safe place to be.)

    I have had several sessions of CBT through the NHS, and each one has taken me to a slightly better level of understanding. Just because you are an intelligent and educated woman, does not mean you understand what your thoughts do to you, or how some minor incident in your childhood may have coloured your whole perception of the world. There is more to know about therapy, but not until you are getting some.

    The biggest change for me was finding God again – getting to a church where I was accepted, loved and looked after. Learning to pray, finding energy from worship songs and spending time with people who love me just because its what should be.

    I’ve had depression for 21 years, and the last 4, since I’ve been at Revelation Church, have been the ones where I have changed the most.

    And google Spoon Theory – its a very useful analogy to use for others. Guard your spoons and use them wisely – its very annoying when someone steals them.

    Your Mum is on top of this, by asking the question, you got to voice your opinion and won’t have to put on a face for a day where family is the key.

    And crying, its good to cry, as long as you are in a safe place.

    Much love.
    xxxx

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