Tag Archives: black dog

Numbness

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I apologise for the lack of blogging on this blog.  There’s various reasons, I have been super busy with uni being the main one but I was also reluctant to write this down as I know a lot of people will find it hard to read.

I am on anti depressants.  The Dr seems to have found the right ones for me, they SEEM to be working, I haven’t spent days crying, I manage to get out of bed every day and I am getting through the day without wanting to crawl into a den and never come out.  BUT I still have my bad days, the tablets level me out, they don’t make me happy, they make me “normal”.  Honestly, I haven’t felt TRUE happiness in a long time.  I want to but I just can’t.

My mum thinks I am delaying getting help because I don’t want to get better.  That’s not true, I really do but I am scared.  Scared of getting worse.   Scared of having to bring up memories that I have locked away in a box so they don’t hurt any more. Scared of letting things go that I am not ready to let go of yet.  I desperately want to stop feeling so average.  I want to feel a range of emotions not just flat or a deep seeded sadness.  So mum (I know you are reading this) I am going to get help I just need encouragement and a bit of patience.

One of the other things I wanted to share (well, wanted to may be pushing it!) I now finally know why people self harm.  I never really understood it before but this experience has changed that.  Over Christmas, I had a BAD moment, I don’t really know what bought it on but it broke me.  I sat in my room, in the dark, weeping.  I felt so numb.  Nothing could have penetrated that numbness.  I started to run my finger nail across my wrist, absent minded at first. Totally unconscious of what I was doing.  Until I pressed a little harder and I felt something.  Something that reminded me I was human, something that broke the numbness, something that made me stop.  Now, I am not saying I would ever self harm in the usual sense of the word; it has never got that bad.  What I am saying is that it took me pressing my nail hard into my arm, so hard that I had red marks there for hours, and could still feel it the next day, for me to feel anything other than numbness.  This just shows me how very easy it would be for someone without a support network like mine (my mum is my rock and can bring me back from the brink), someone who feels like they have nothing in their life but the numb feeling which depression leaves you with, how easy it would be for them to start hurting themselves.

I know what it feels like to be on the brink, to feel like you are about to fall into blackness and never come back.  But do you know what…This experience has made me realise that I do not want to fall.  I WANT to fight,  I WANT to get better.  I know it is a long road and I know that I have to expect relapses (yea that is a whole other blog…they suck!) but my word do I want to feel “normal” again!

If ANY of you are feeling like you are about to fall PLEASE talk to someone.  Don’t let it get to the point where you need to do something drastic to feel something other than emptiness.

Love

xxx

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One Day…

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I wasn’t sure it was possible for one person to cry so much!

I feel so pathetic today.  Mum just asked what I wanted to do on Christmas day…stay at home with the family or go somewhere else.  The thought of having to pretend to be ok at someone else’s house made me feel so nervous I burst into tears! That isn’t normal.

All I want is to feel normal. To not burst into tears at the tiniest thing, to not feel sick due to a Facebook update or a tweet, to sleep properly, to not cry when someone is nice to me. Is that too much to ask??

I wish there was a way that I could click my fingers and everything would be ok.  One day I know it will be.  One day I will get up in the morning and not have to find the energy to put on a smile and pretend that I am ok because I wont need to pretend any more.  Until that day I guess I just have to accept that there will be days when my mascara gets ruined, my heart hurts and my sleep pattern is just none existent!

I say this every post but I am so thankful for my amazing friends and family for getting me through the bad days. Your support means the world to me.

What is going on?!

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My last post was a bit of a gamble.  I wasn’t sure how people would react; it kind of made me anxious just posting it but wow….I was so wrong to think that!

I have been overwhelmed by your support, your positive comments and honesty.  I am so pleased that by writing what I did, so many of you felt empowered to talk about your own battles.  That is all I wanted.

I have been called brave by so many people, honestly, I am not! I just wanted to set some things straight, get my story out there and I am so pleased I have done.

Since posting, a few things have happened.  The tablets I am on are MEANT to be working but I am not 100% sure they are.  I sometimes feel almost normal but a lot of the time I spend feeling down, emotional or just drained.  I am not really sleeping properly, I have the shakes from the medication and my ability to concentrate on anything is terrible, as is my memory.  I don’t know if this is the meds making me worse before I am better or if they are simply not the right ones for me but wow is it draining!  I went to see the Dr for a meds check and he seems to think I am doing better and wants to keep me on them for a few more months before assessing me again.  One positive, I cry less! When I first saw him I spent at least part of EVERY day in tears, sometimes for no reason.  Now, I can go a few days without shedding a tear.  I will admit that I have cried myself to sleep a good few times, had mini breakdowns over stupid things and burst into tears for no apparent reason but all in all, I am less teary!

I have had a “pre counselling assessment” by the university team and I spent the ENTIRE session in tears.  Even filling out the forms was too much.  I was shaking like a leaf and felt sick the whole time.  The lady I saw took 1 look at me and said, it is clear that you need counselling but we have to go through this session.  Then proceeded to tell me there was a 6 week wait and I should look elsewhere if possible… I sat in my car in tears, all I wanted was someone to wave a magic wand and make me feel normal.  I know I need to sort myself out and I know that talking to someone SHOULD help, or getting SOME sort of therapy should get me a little closer to feeling normal but I am not sure I can wait 6 weeks to even start this!

Uni wise, I have actually managed to get my assessments in on time! I can’t say how good they were (I had a breakdown half way through one of them) but they are in! I have an exam next week so am revising pretty hard but that is taking it out of me.  Early mornings and late nights make me worse. I REFUSE to let this ruin my course but it is a bloody tough fight!

Do you know what gets me through most days?  When I feel like giving up, spending my time in bed and just hiding away from the world?  You lot! There are some incredibly amazing people in my life and I am SO thankful for you all.

And just because I am fighting this battle does not mean I am not there for you guys! Don’t think you can’t talk to me about stuff because you bleeding well can!

Love you all xxx

My Fight

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I was going to wait until I had won this battle to tell my story but recent events have forced my hand.

 

I have recently been diagnosed with depression.  It has been a long overdue diagnosis.  Why do I say that?  Well, I have been showing signs of this horrible illness for years but have ignored them, or have had things in my life that acted as a plaster, holding off the darkness.

On the day I decided that I couldn’t ignore the signs for any longer, I booked a drs appointment and went to my 1st lecture of the day.  That happened to be a Mental Health lecture, focussing on Depression and its symptoms.  I sat listening in tears, mentally ticking off every single “common” sign.  It was at that point that I knew I had made the right decision and that I needed to see someone.

Luckily, I have SUPER supportive friends at uni who got me through the rest of the day and a tutor who was amazing and offered me all the help I could ask for.

As I sat in the doctors waiting room, I looked around, everyone there looked ill, I felt like an imposter.  I had nothing PHYSICALLY wrong, why was I wasting the doctor’s time? I began to cry again.  At that moment the Dr called my name.  I went through, sat down (I had stopped crying by this point).  He said “so, why are you here today?” and before I could get any words out of my mouth the tears started.  I was terrified. Scared that he would think I was being stupid, scared that he would think it was just “break up emotion” (I had recently gone through a break up) but he didn’t, he listened. He got me to fill out a questionnaire, asked if I had ever had suicidal thoughts (I hadn’t) and asked all the “right” questions.  His diagnosis…depression.  Full blown depression.  Not just a bad day, not just feeling sad but a chemical in-balance in my brain which was affecting my mood.  He sent me away with a prescription, information about local counselling sessions and another appointment a month later.

Since then, I have tried to live a “normal” life.  I have tried to keep it off twitter, there are a few people I have told and they have been supportive and amazing. On the days I HAVE mentioned things again, I have mainly received a positive, supportive reply.

Not everyone handles depression in the same way.  I personally only mention something when I am having a super bad day or when it affects my life in a way that is really rather annoying.  Yes, it probably is a moan but do you know what…if I had broken my leg, or had the flu and was moaning would you say anything? No I don’t think you would! Why then do people think it is OK to have a go when someone moans about a bad day? Why is it ok for them to suggest I don’t know what I am talking about and that taking to social media isn’t the way to deal with it?!  Do you know what….It bloody hurts!!!! I am battling this awful illness, one that affects me EVERY DAY, I don’t know if I am going to wake up and be ok, if the meds will work, if something TINY will send me into a downward spiral. I try not to let the bad days win but sometimes they do.  Sometimes all I want to do is spend the day in bed where no one can find me, no one can tell me to “try harder” no one can say “oh but you can’t feel like that because you are acting like x”. Most days I have to get up, crack on and just push those feelings aside.  I have good days and bad days like any “normal” person but it just so happens that the bad days knock me sideways.

I hope that anyone reading this now knows they are not alone. It is a horrible thing to fight, even worse when people think you are faking it. Do you know what?  Stuff em! Remove them from your life. Don’t allow them back because no one needs that shit!