Tag Archives: Christian

Broken is not a way of life…It is a stage in the cycle!


Today I am catching up on a none Kenya related post (maybe I should start a 2nd blog for this type of post) but I need to write this as its kind of cool, heartfelt and has been waiting to be typed up for a while. When I say a while….I wrote it on Tuesday 17th April so things have changed….

Today at Church (yes church on a Tuesday…crazy huh?) we were talking about the cycle of multiplication and how there are 4 major stages you go through in the cycle…

  • Being ‘taken’ by God – wanting to go deeper in your relationship with Him, giving everything over to Him.
  • Being blessed by God – This one is kind of obvious.
  • Being Broken by God – yep, this is what you are thinking, going through HARD times, breaking down the bad things, breaking off the negatives.
  • Finally, distribution – this is like evangelism almost, using what God has done in your life to improve not only your life but hopefully the lives of those around you.

If you are a none Christian reading this, which I know many of you are, then you may not think these stages apply to your life. You would be partly correct… but please read one!

If you have given your life to God then I know you, just like me are sitting in AT LEAST one of these stages. Have a think; you may be surprised as to where you do fall.

I gave my heart to God almost 3 years ago after a REALLY broken past (at the time I didn’t realise quite how broken, it is only looking back I can see it) and a pretty serious life event which I won’t go into. It was the best thing I have ever done.

I have been round this cycle a few times, giving my all to God, being blessed, broken and then using the lessons learned to help others.

I am currently sat in the very much broken camp. I was blessed in a few ways and now have a pretty huge hunk of breakdown happening. And weirdly, it doesn’t scare me. It did, believe me it did. No one wants to feel like their life is falling apart around them, and boy do I know how that feels (and no I am not being over dramatic….I have been there!) But despite the fact that someone I care about is currently in hospital not doing so well and on & off suicide watch, my job doesn’t challenge me any more, I don’t really have any money to enjoy the amazing city I live in, my best friends are HUNDREDS of miles away, my current living situation will be over in July and I am still trying to battle with some deep-rooted personal issues (wow that is a LONG list) I know this period is something that will set me up for something amazing. I am being moulded for greatness, and that can ONLY be a good thing.

Yes…I want to shout at God sometimes, more than sometimes to be honest. When I get a message that James has got worse not better, when my job makes me want to scream, when I see bad things happen to good people…I often get cross with Him. But I think this is healthy. Find me a HAPPY relationship that has been going for 2 years or more that has NEVER had an argument and I will give you a million pounds. I gave this advice to a friend of mine, get emotional with God, cry out to him, be cross, God will probably go…GOOD, I am pleased you are getting emotional at me, it shows you care!!! And guess what…she got cross, and God answered her!!

For anyone who is struggling with the concept of God…and I have done in the past. Being broken hurts like HECK, sometimes it is hard to see how there can be a God if this is happening to you. I get that. No, really I do. But try handing that pain back to God. Say a prayer. Yep, you may feel stupid, that is normal but you will see (it may take time….a long time sometimes, which is often disheartening) that you come out of the other side, stronger, more faithful, more equipped for life and definitely more blessed.

Thanks for reading, I hope this has had some effect on your way of thinking today, feel free to ask me questions on it and I will answer.


Now…I wrote this a month ago almost – things have changed a little since then. I was 100% broken, not handling the whole James thing very well, not handling my job at all and really wanting to quit, feeling very lonely in London… Since then I have quit my job (a HUGE faith step) AND dealt with the James situation quite well to the point that I feel at peace with it all. I definitely feel like I am moving out of the broken camp and into the next stage. This has come through some serious prayer and being surrounded by some amazing people who all know who they are. I want to thank you all for being there in ways that some of you don’t even realise and as I continue on this next step I continue to pray that you all remain in my life. #Iamthankful



This week I have had a bit of backlash over my trip.  So much so that I am writing this entry with tears running down my face. So I am sorry if this is poorly written.

Tonight, I have been told that what I am doing is a huge waste of money and that I obviously just want a free trip to Kenya paid for by other people.  This all came out of an innocent tweet to the guys of  the #rugbyunited community wondering if anyone could donate prizes to the raffle.

I am happy to take on board people’s opinions and yes, there are people to help closer to home and yes it is costing a reasonable amount of money to get out there.  But what is it to them how I spend my own money and if people want to donate, (a number of people do and have, for which I am very, very thankful. full on thank you post coming soon) then great!

You all know that this whole trip has come from a belief in God and a word I received back near Easter.  This isn’t a ‘oooooooooooh I fancy going to Africa, how can I get people to pay for me to go’ kind of thing.  No, this is something I have had on my heart for a while and want to do something about.  If I had no ties in the UK I would quit my job and go out there for an extended period to help as much as I can, even establish my own charity or look into ways of aiding others.  These are both things I want to do in the future and yes, this trip may indeed help that but my primary reason for going is to fulfil something God placed on my heart.

It’s strange because just this evening I was discussing with my Church the idea of being judged and persecuted for your faith.  Now, I don’t mean persecution in the ways of old where you are fed to the lions.  I mean suffering for your faith in a modern way.  Being bullied at school or work for being a Christian, not getting a job because you refuse to work Sunday’s, being left out by your friends because they are doing something you don’t agree with through faith.  During the discussion I could honestly say that I hadn’t found this so  far on my faith journey.  Today I fear that changed.  I feel like anything I say to this person is going to be shot down, I have been told that my Christian attitude is terrible and all I am doing is ‘helping my own soul’.  I have never ever been judged in the way this person judged me today.  To be told they hope I do not need the NHS any time soon is just disgusting, almost hinting at meaning the opposite of what he stated.  I haven’t publicised what has happened in my private life recently but what I will say is I have never been more thankful for the work of the NHS and other emergency services.

So, to clarify and put to rest any doubts that any of you may have… I am not going to Kenya to swan around and maybe do a day in an orphanage to make me feel better.  I am also not doing this to “cleanse my soul” so to speak or even at the detriment of a UK-based charity.  In fact, the only reason I have gone public with this whole trip isn’t to say ‘look at me look how amazing I am’  goodness knows I wouldn’t do that! (why would I need to, I am awesome enough already 😉 ) I wet public to see if I could raise some funds to help me get out there to make a difference to these kids lives.  I do it at home for Kids Church, why not for others?!  I am loving the support that I have got so far.  People are amazing.  Your kind contributions will not only be making an immediate difference to me getting there, they will also help provide much-needed equipment for the kids and care workers alike!