My last post was a bit of a gamble. I wasn’t sure how people would react; it kind of made me anxious just posting it but wow….I was so wrong to think that!
I have been overwhelmed by your support, your positive comments and honesty. I am so pleased that by writing what I did, so many of you felt empowered to talk about your own battles. That is all I wanted.
I have been called brave by so many people, honestly, I am not! I just wanted to set some things straight, get my story out there and I am so pleased I have done.
Since posting, a few things have happened. The tablets I am on are MEANT to be working but I am not 100% sure they are. I sometimes feel almost normal but a lot of the time I spend feeling down, emotional or just drained. I am not really sleeping properly, I have the shakes from the medication and my ability to concentrate on anything is terrible, as is my memory. I don’t know if this is the meds making me worse before I am better or if they are simply not the right ones for me but wow is it draining! I went to see the Dr for a meds check and he seems to think I am doing better and wants to keep me on them for a few more months before assessing me again. One positive, I cry less! When I first saw him I spent at least part of EVERY day in tears, sometimes for no reason. Now, I can go a few days without shedding a tear. I will admit that I have cried myself to sleep a good few times, had mini breakdowns over stupid things and burst into tears for no apparent reason but all in all, I am less teary!
I have had a “pre counselling assessment” by the university team and I spent the ENTIRE session in tears. Even filling out the forms was too much. I was shaking like a leaf and felt sick the whole time. The lady I saw took 1 look at me and said, it is clear that you need counselling but we have to go through this session. Then proceeded to tell me there was a 6 week wait and I should look elsewhere if possible… I sat in my car in tears, all I wanted was someone to wave a magic wand and make me feel normal. I know I need to sort myself out and I know that talking to someone SHOULD help, or getting SOME sort of therapy should get me a little closer to feeling normal but I am not sure I can wait 6 weeks to even start this!
Uni wise, I have actually managed to get my assessments in on time! I can’t say how good they were (I had a breakdown half way through one of them) but they are in! I have an exam next week so am revising pretty hard but that is taking it out of me. Early mornings and late nights make me worse. I REFUSE to let this ruin my course but it is a bloody tough fight!
Do you know what gets me through most days? When I feel like giving up, spending my time in bed and just hiding away from the world? You lot! There are some incredibly amazing people in my life and I am SO thankful for you all.
And just because I am fighting this battle does not mean I am not there for you guys! Don’t think you can’t talk to me about stuff because you bleeding well can!
Love you all xxx