Tag Archives: fighting

What is going on?!


My last post was a bit of a gamble.  I wasn’t sure how people would react; it kind of made me anxious just posting it but wow….I was so wrong to think that!

I have been overwhelmed by your support, your positive comments and honesty.  I am so pleased that by writing what I did, so many of you felt empowered to talk about your own battles.  That is all I wanted.

I have been called brave by so many people, honestly, I am not! I just wanted to set some things straight, get my story out there and I am so pleased I have done.

Since posting, a few things have happened.  The tablets I am on are MEANT to be working but I am not 100% sure they are.  I sometimes feel almost normal but a lot of the time I spend feeling down, emotional or just drained.  I am not really sleeping properly, I have the shakes from the medication and my ability to concentrate on anything is terrible, as is my memory.  I don’t know if this is the meds making me worse before I am better or if they are simply not the right ones for me but wow is it draining!  I went to see the Dr for a meds check and he seems to think I am doing better and wants to keep me on them for a few more months before assessing me again.  One positive, I cry less! When I first saw him I spent at least part of EVERY day in tears, sometimes for no reason.  Now, I can go a few days without shedding a tear.  I will admit that I have cried myself to sleep a good few times, had mini breakdowns over stupid things and burst into tears for no apparent reason but all in all, I am less teary!

I have had a “pre counselling assessment” by the university team and I spent the ENTIRE session in tears.  Even filling out the forms was too much.  I was shaking like a leaf and felt sick the whole time.  The lady I saw took 1 look at me and said, it is clear that you need counselling but we have to go through this session.  Then proceeded to tell me there was a 6 week wait and I should look elsewhere if possible… I sat in my car in tears, all I wanted was someone to wave a magic wand and make me feel normal.  I know I need to sort myself out and I know that talking to someone SHOULD help, or getting SOME sort of therapy should get me a little closer to feeling normal but I am not sure I can wait 6 weeks to even start this!

Uni wise, I have actually managed to get my assessments in on time! I can’t say how good they were (I had a breakdown half way through one of them) but they are in! I have an exam next week so am revising pretty hard but that is taking it out of me.  Early mornings and late nights make me worse. I REFUSE to let this ruin my course but it is a bloody tough fight!

Do you know what gets me through most days?  When I feel like giving up, spending my time in bed and just hiding away from the world?  You lot! There are some incredibly amazing people in my life and I am SO thankful for you all.

And just because I am fighting this battle does not mean I am not there for you guys! Don’t think you can’t talk to me about stuff because you bleeding well can!

Love you all xxx